Borysenko was in her early 40s before she began to relate to her mother as a person, rather than as her own private critic. The transformation occurred when her mother was dying. The family had gathered at the hospital to say their good-byes, but Borysenko's mother had been whisked off for tests.
"After it was determined that the tests wouldn't make any real difference, I took her back to her room. On the short elevator ride, a miracle unfolded. She looked deeply into my eyes, took my hand, and told me how much she loved me. Then she asked if I could forgive her for all the mistakes she'd made as a mother," says Borysenko. "Years of pain melted away in the time it took for me to say yes."
Why do relations between mothers and daughters seem so much more fraught than between mothers and sons? It's in part because we don't engage in the same dance of separation that boys do to find their own identities.
Research by psychologist Janet Surrey, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the Stone Center at Wellesley College found that girls develop a sense of self in relation to, rather than in opposition to, their mothers. That very closeness can sometimes make communicating with your mother frustrating and competitive if she sees you as an extension of herself.
If you've ever fantasized that your mom lies awake at night thinking up ways to be gnarly and intrusive, you're not alone. But here's the scoop: Most moms don't pester their daughters out of meanness. They're actually trying to express love and concern.
If you can train yourself to look beyond the surface of what seems like nitpicking and criticism, you can develop a deeper relationship with your mom, and separate from her in a healthy way. Here's how to deal with a mother who's brilliant at zeroing in on perceived mistakes you make in work, love, even your appearance.
1. Make a list of the most common criticisms that get your goat. Write out what you think may be your mother's underlying concerns, and then practice a response that opens up genuine conversation rather than closing it down in defensiveness. Her real-life reaction will surprise you.
2. Write your mom a letter, call her, or tell her face-to-face about three specific things that you're grateful to her for. Appreciation means a lot more when it's grounded in specifics rather than generalizations. If she has passed on, you can light a candle and talk to her as if she were right there in the room with you.
3. Send a Mother's Day card to a woman who isn't your mother but who has encouraged you, and thank her specifically for the ways that she's made a difference in your life.
Wise words.Don't know about the deeper relationship though.
"After it was determined that the tests wouldn't make any real difference, I took her back to her room. On the short elevator ride, a miracle unfolded. She looked deeply into my eyes, took my hand, and told me how much she loved me. Then she asked if I could forgive her for all the mistakes she'd made as a mother," says Borysenko. "Years of pain melted away in the time it took for me to say yes."
Why do relations between mothers and daughters seem so much more fraught than between mothers and sons? It's in part because we don't engage in the same dance of separation that boys do to find their own identities.
Research by psychologist Janet Surrey, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the Stone Center at Wellesley College found that girls develop a sense of self in relation to, rather than in opposition to, their mothers. That very closeness can sometimes make communicating with your mother frustrating and competitive if she sees you as an extension of herself.
If you've ever fantasized that your mom lies awake at night thinking up ways to be gnarly and intrusive, you're not alone. But here's the scoop: Most moms don't pester their daughters out of meanness. They're actually trying to express love and concern.
If you can train yourself to look beyond the surface of what seems like nitpicking and criticism, you can develop a deeper relationship with your mom, and separate from her in a healthy way. Here's how to deal with a mother who's brilliant at zeroing in on perceived mistakes you make in work, love, even your appearance.
1. Make a list of the most common criticisms that get your goat. Write out what you think may be your mother's underlying concerns, and then practice a response that opens up genuine conversation rather than closing it down in defensiveness. Her real-life reaction will surprise you.
2. Write your mom a letter, call her, or tell her face-to-face about three specific things that you're grateful to her for. Appreciation means a lot more when it's grounded in specifics rather than generalizations. If she has passed on, you can light a candle and talk to her as if she were right there in the room with you.
3. Send a Mother's Day card to a woman who isn't your mother but who has encouraged you, and thank her specifically for the ways that she's made a difference in your life.
Wise words.Don't know about the deeper relationship though.
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